SF Kid
06-02-2010, 05:05 PM
Letter to My Pets:
When I ask you to move, it means to go someplace else, not to
switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my
way.
The dishes with the paw print are *yours* and contain *your* food.
All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing
your paw print in the middle of MY plate and MY food does not stake
a claim making it YOUR plate and food.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your
quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats are actually supposed to curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is ! not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Honest.
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on
our front door:
* Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets*
1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes! , stay off
the furniture. (That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an
adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
---- they don't ask for money
---- they are easier to train
---- they come when called
---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends
---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education,
and
---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children for a profit!
When I ask you to move, it means to go someplace else, not to
switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my
way.
The dishes with the paw print are *yours* and contain *your* food.
All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing
your paw print in the middle of MY plate and MY food does not stake
a claim making it YOUR plate and food.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your
quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats are actually supposed to curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is ! not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Honest.
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on
our front door:
* Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets*
1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes! , stay off
the furniture. (That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an
adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
---- they don't ask for money
---- they are easier to train
---- they come when called
---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends
---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education,
and
---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children for a profit!